Monthly Archives: March 2014

March 30 Siliiness

Dear Lord,

So for today, God; I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or even indulgent.

I’m very thankful for that – But in a very short time, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from that moment on I’m going to need a lot of help!

Amen

 

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained.

“She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the doilies.”

 

Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

 

Occupational Hymns

The Dentist’s Hymn………….Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn……….There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
The Contractor’s Hymn……….The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn…………..Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn…………..There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn……….Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist’s Hymn………Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn………..I Surrender All
The Gossip’s Hymn…………..Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn………Send the Light
The Shopper’s Hymn………….Sweet By and By
The Realtor’s Hymn………I’ve Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop

 

Their five-year-old son went to a church conference with my buddy & his wife. The kid got restless, so his wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word “and.” After a while, he grew bored, and my buddy asked, “Would you like to listen for a different word?”

“Yes,” the kid whispered. “I’d like to listen for ‘Amen’.”

 

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, “Reverend, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”

To which he replies, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management.”

 

An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, “Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?” Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again. “Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?” 

Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up. “Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection.”

The man responded, “My wife’s first husband.”

 

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